Lately, I have been attracting guys who don't fit these profiles--thank God. Having done a lot of soul searching and healing, I am ready to start dating. These guys must sense it, so now I am starting to be asked out. This is not a coincidence.
I just don't want to make the wrong choices again. I have had good relationships in the past, so I don't know how things got so badly off track. Sometimes I think it is bec. I live in NYC, but I think this stuff happens everywhere. How do you avoid the controllers, players, and unavailables?Especially ppl who are in strong marriages or ltrs: any advice or tips for a woman ending a dating break?
In general, I believe that we tend to attract others based on the type of energy we put out, and where we go looking for prospective partners.
It sounds to me like you are already on to one very valuable lesson about finding a good partner, and need only a simple reframe to reshape your negative experience into this little gem of a positive:
Don't spend much energy trying to work out if he is the right guy to date. Spend the energy while you date him and ask yourself if he is acting right. Be prepared to drop him fast if he gives you any cause for concern. It's much easier to do this if you have little or no emotional commitment to the idea ';he's the right guy'; ahead of dating him.
Yes there are controllers and players, and it is no surprise you keep coming across them because they are generally single and doing their best to latch on to their next unsuspecting partner. That is why you keep meeting them! You can't avoid that reality but can tell them where to get off.
With that bit of general advice out of the way here are some great specifics.
Look at what needs and factors need to be met through a relationship
1) Spiritual
2) Emotional
3) Communicative
4) Financial and Material
5) Ideological
6) Attitudes to having/wanting children
7) Physical attraction
8) What do you need to be able to trust.
and others you can define for yourself.
When you date someone, ask yourself how they measure up. Any deal breakers? Does it look like its all good? It helps bring back some objectivity to the ';pink fluffy stupid'; stage where you think you have so much in common because you both happen to vote democrat and enjoy toast.
Lastly (almost lastly), for most of us, a long term relationship happens after several short term ones, which isn't a bad thing, just think of them as practical learning experiences, and kiss those ex's forward and wish them luck in their own quests. Sooner or later a one weeker becomes a one monther, and slides into a year.
You can't know ahead of time if that is what will happen, but you can tell in real time if your needs are being met and that is a better way to have good relationships than worrying about how long they will last.
The (real) last thing I'd say to you is to try meeting people through activities for which you have a passion, or suggests dates that involve something you have a passion for. You won't find many ';playas'; putting in 2 hours in a soup kitchen, at least not on the serving side of the bench. You won't find too many chauvinists at a womens rights meeting. Do things you enjoy for their own sake, and because theres a chance of meeting a guy on your wavelength. You have everything to gain from the activity and the possibility.
There are no mistakes, only choices (which are mostly limited only by our awareness of them) and how you deal with ';what happens next';. Don't be afraid of new prospects, don't be afraid of ending short term relationships that don't work. Sooner or later you will find one that endures for the right reasons.Especially ppl who are in strong marriages or ltrs: any advice or tips for a woman ending a dating break?
Our life consist of Fall %26amp; Rise things..but with those we learned from all obstacles that hinder along the way. I myself on my late 40's still in the verge to strugle life afar from my achievements in life and yet when it comes to heart i felt so unlucky hence i don't lose hope that someday magic ( i do believe on it,if your meant to be) may come my way or if not ready to embark being alone in my entire life and yet still happy even not as much as it is having someone in daily life in this world. We can't have everything in this world, God always have plans for us.
Indie,
The only thing I can tell you is what happened between Ronnie and I, 38 years ago. When we finished that last dance, I kissed her on the forehead for reasons unknown to me to this day. That moment is when she decided that we were getting married. I did not find out until later. I, also discovered, that is was the correct thing to do. I would not have done it any other way.
Remember the song, ';Some Enchanted Evening';. Look up the words. It sets the truth into music and words. Yes, you will meet a stranger across a crowded room. Your toes will curl and his eyes will appear to be confused, but you two were meant for each other.
With all hope and love,
Bill
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