Need marriage advice...........?

My hubby is a design engineer, he works a lot of late hours. The earliest he gets home is 6:30. I'm a stay at home mom, so I try to plan on dinners so we can all sit down together. That's how I grew up and I want to continue that tradition. I feel like he's never home. I know his job is busy, but darn it, I think his family is more important and we need him. He says he's working his *ss off for us, but I'd rather live frugally and have him home more. Then while walking out the door today, he informed me he won't be home until after 10 pm. If it was just me here, I wouldn't mind, but we have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. They have been repeatedly sick with ear infections or bad colds, so have I, pluse I have high blood pressure and meniere's disease ( inner ear disease that causes hearing loss and vertigo). I feel like I'm a single mom and he won't listen to me. He just tells me if I think I can find a better husband do so. I just want him and my family together. HELP?Need marriage advice...........?
Sounds like you need to grow up. Supporting a family is a big part of ';family life';, do you ever think of how rough it is on him?Need marriage advice...........?
well...maybe he doesnt want to live frugally. did you ask him that? maybe that's why he's working so hard to keep his family from living frugally and from living check to check. why do you feel the need to serve two meals? why not just fix him a plate and leave that in the microwave for your husband to heat up himself whenever he gets home? you don't HAVE to make your kids wait to eat that late. that is your choice, not a requirement or an obligation. you may have to accept the fact that your 'tradition' of eating together may have to be reduced to a couple of times a week instead of every day. just because you are willing to live frugally doesn't mean that he wants to. and since he makes the money...well...he has his family to provide for (in addition to future expenses regarding his children). he could be working for their college education. did you think about that? maybe thats why he's working so much. besides...maybe you should get some activities of your own that don't include your husband and your family. i'm not trying to be mean. i'm just trying to get you to think beyond what you see. instead of just sitting there...why don't you get up and do something for yourself. stop waiting on your husband to get home and find some activities of your own that YOU and only you want to do. your children have theirs...your husband has his...and now what about you? you can either sit there and be misreable or you can do something for you. besides...you are complaining way too much. get some activies outside of your husband and your children. being married and having kids is not the end all and be all to life.
I know wat u mean. I've been thru it 2 and almost got a depression from it. My hubby work very irregular hours then. Sometimes he doesn't even came back for days. When he did, he juz glued himself to the bed 4 hrs. When he's awake, off he went back to work. I don't got 2 c him often not 2 mentioned my kids. When i tried 2 talked to him, he'll brushed me off by telling me 2 find a better guy than him. My kids were quite young then.


How did i resolved it? Well, i got te kids to complain whatever they did to me to him whenever he was @ home. Let him experienced some of my stress, despite other things around te hse. After awhile, he realised tat it was 2 much 4 him 2 handled 2. He finally settled down 2 a talk with me. We had a good talk abt it n able 2 readjusted everything to make sure tat kids will b able to receive attention and care from both of us. We'll still stick to tis kind of arrangement even till now. Hope my story helps.
Hi, I am also a stay at home Mom with 3 kids (within 4 yrs!) I can relate to you! My youngest is now 3 and things get easier. If it helps here is what I've learned. This will probably be the hardest time in your marriage. Women don't talk with each other even how truly truly hard it is to give up yourself and raise kids. Ya it's awesome and it SUCKS!! Little kids are all consuming. I fell apart when my 3rd was born. I felt like I was tired I didn't have energy for the gym , my kids etc. What is happening is it is as equally stressful for your husband. It probably makes him miserably that you are unhappy and he feels that pressure. His stress is to take care of all 4 of you financially (Could you do that for yourself right now? ) You are both feeling the stress of a young family and both of you want to be appreciated and both of you don't want to give appreciation. I think the traditional role of mother is unsatisfying. It's like being in the passenger side of a car. Ya, you get to make directional decisions and you are up front. I'd rather steer than take care of the rest of the passengers! One point I want to make that even my Dad (Dropped us off at High School in the a.m. and was home for dinner at 5:30 working for At%26amp;t) made to my husband. My husband is gone before we wake up and comes home after 6:30 past dinner between bath and bed..makes me furious as well no meals together! Anyway the work ethic is different now. Even ask your dad. if he was working today I bet he work just like your husband's schedule. To stay up there competively you can not compare to what you had and expect him to be home. What you need to do is- yes counselling always helps. Go by yourself. Maybe you should each go individually. You need to get help. if you need help in the evenings hire a mothers helper. Get even an elementary school kid to help for a few hours in the afternoon. Swap afternoons with a friend. A girl friend of mine gave this very useful marriage advice to me. Don't ask your husband to come home early if you need help. Hire someone. make it work in your budget. Stock the fridge with frozen pre made dinners. Get out of the house one evening after your husband comes home. Take a class or book club. Try to figure out where you need the help the most. House cleaning? Chil dcare ? cooking? At get it FOR YOURSELF. This I promise will get you closer to you feeling like you. Your husband will notice. He'l feel appreciated and will make the time you do have together quality. Basically don't worry. There is no bad guy. Try to see yourselfs as both having the pressure and stress. I constantly have to remind myself as much as I want my husband to say a kind word or make me feel loved , I usually don't have an answer when I ask myself what have i done for him! O.k. Listen. Valentines is coming up. can you get an overnite sitter? A relative? My husband and I will try once a yr. to go even to the closest Marriot/ motel htoel Whatever for an overnite. It's not expensive you can be within minutes to your kids. Sometimes there is a pool/hottub. You can walk to a restaurant drink as much as you want stay up sleep in . ( I was overwhelmed to just sit in bed in the a.m. and read People Magazine!) Try to think differently and you'll be o.k. Trust me. You will be breathing easier in a few years time.


Take care of yourself and stay on the sunny side,


with empathy,


a sister in kind
First I would stop making him 2 meals, if he is not home by 6:30 pm....have him warm up his own meal....your spoiling him too much....pray for God to change him.....prayer opens the door for God to work in our lives....God bless ya
Sit down and have a calm talk with him. Ask him if there is a way you two could comprimise on this problem? Like maybe he can come home early 2-3 nites a week and the other nights he can work as late as he wants?? He will be sorry if he doesn't realize that this is destroying his family, and someday,he may wake up and find you gone and he'll wish he had listened to you!! Good luck!
If he can't be home for dinner don't make him any of his own put the leftovers in the fridge and go to bed. Ask him to leave earlier for work instead or bring some of it home. Tell him that you love him and unless he can do something to make this relationship work, you wont either. Quite doing his laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning up his mess
Um take some days off together and do some family stuff!
ask him to free his weekends. we cannot help it if their jobs require them to work so late... but if we wanted to give our kids a good life, certain sacrifices must be made.to live frugally is not what you want. remember... KIDS? you wouldn't want them to be deprived, right?





you, as their mom, have the responsibility of reminding your kids why dad isn't at home yet, or why dad's busy.





two meals? no... first, eat with your kids, and when he goes home, serve him alone. it's okay, sweetie. an extra job won't hurt.


the weekends, dear... that's your only resort.
my mommy is going throught the same thing, but you no what it works out in the end.


Lemme tell you a real story that always makes me cry lol


my mom met my dad (abnormally smart electrical engineer)


they got hitched and all and had me i was born with a cataract and my rents didnt have a lot of dough so my daddy made his own business ever since he either never comes home for a few days or he comes home at 2 am then sits his a** in front of the tv with a fudgicle while on the laptop watching tv. He will go to bed at 5 and wake up at 7 to drop me and my 2 sisters to school.


My mom has dealt with this stress for almost 18 years (in july). She's now on prozac cuz she is depressed. I am depressed and i can understand why she is. When I try to get my dad to help me out in my hmk he wont cuz hes ';too busy'; its like i dont have a dad and my mom a husband. Its a lot of stress *damn im tearing* and this is from a 14 year old girl that most people dont listen to. But i hope that things go good for you. And stay with him please at least for your children. Unless he is abusive then get out of it.


I have 2 sisters, one 10 and another 3 . And every night my parents fight. My mom does stuff behind his back for us. (pay for tutoring etc) and i love my mom for that. Then dad gets pissed off at her and it makes me cry becuz he never was a good role model or father





thanx





eli
I would say that you need to tell him you would rather have him that the extra money. Maybe he can find a similar job that would allow better hours. Maybe he can go into business for himself. Does his company allow telecommuting? I agree with you that family is very important. So many of the problems in today's culture can be blamed on a lack of togetherness and parental guidance. He is lucky to have a wife that cares as much as you do and should be willing to work this out.
Hey its about time you put your feet down. i see uve already tried talking but he refuses to see what he does wrong. Sweety you need marriage counciling ASAP. Nip it in the butt before it gets worst and you find yourself a single mom forever. He needs to change fast for you and especially for the children. Oh yea try not to stop the sex too. You dont want him looking for it with someone else. but i understand its so tiring taking care of two kids and by the end of the day your a dead duck. yall need to sit down talk about it and get a lifestyle change.No matter what dont give up hes a good man thats why u married him right.Im sure it would all work out. All the best
If there is one thing I cannot stand is when a stay at home mother complains that the father works too much. You said yourself, you made the choice to do so. You do not know what it is like to be the sole provider for a family. Everything in the family rests on your ability to being in money. If you fail, the family is for very tough times.





My ex decided to not work for a year. I didn't mind, since our oldest was a baby. But, I had to work long hours, overtime, and side jobs to make ends meet. She complained the whole time about the hours I worked. But, the bills were paid, they were taken care of, and never went without anything they needed. You do not understand the pressure you are under when you are the working spouse. Then, to have someone complain that you work too much, you just don't want to hear it.





Both those children are old enough to enter daycare. The good daycares usually even have some sort of curriculum for teaching. Kids also learn a great deal just being around other kids, and they get to ';socialize';. If you got a job, it would ease some of the burden of bringing in the money, maybe allowing him more time at home.





My theory is if one of the spouse's stays home, leaving only one to work, that spouse should never complain that the other is working too much. At least they are working.
Talk to him. Explain your concerns and why it bothers you. Stress Family time. Family should be the top priority then job.


Good Luck
Alright, your husband has a job, he's putting food on the table, paying the bills, and lacking his deads as a spouse? I don't like the fact that he made the comment if you think you can find a better husband then do so??? What's up with that? You're on the outside looking in and you realize that there is a problem here. I see no wrong in you wanting the two of you to seek counseling. If he doesn't wish to go with you then I would go for yourself. He may see a change within you and that could be a positive thing. Perhaps the counselor can help you to build your self esteem up. Do know that you can't change this man. He will have to do it for him self.
Wow! Do I remember those days! My husband is AF and when the children were little he was just starting his career and was gone for weeks even months at a time. How did I keep things in perspective? I tried to remember that we both had a job to do. He was not only working and bringing in the money but he was worrying about making enough, worrying about the children (especially when they were sick, and worrying about me, being home with the kids all day and putting a career on hold for the family.) Instead of whining I put everything into my kids and hubby and home. Now we have a great marraige and he appreciates what I sacrificed for the family and even more importantly I appreciate what HE did for us! Remember he has a lot to worry about, much more than changing diapers and keeping the house clean. Tell him you appreciate him! you will get much more in return for kind words than mean angry words. I know this sounds old fashioned, but while our friends have long since divorced we are going 17 years strong, with a great marriage still filled with love and romance, we have great kids who appreciate us and we have a future that is looking great! Not a day goes by where he doesnt tell me how much he appreciates ME! Good luck!
at leaste he is working and not out partying,ending up in jail or not coming home at all. To often men put their job befor their personal life. I have done this my self too. Untill i realised the important things is life were passing me by, and i had to ask myself the question .....as if....... i was on my death bed and my last words were,,';gosh, i wish i worked more'; It is important for a man to feel he is supporting his family and being a provider,money,home, but to offten (i) (we) loose sight of just exactly why were working so much.. i would suggest being patient, and try talking and hopefully someday he will see exactly what he is missing out on........
How I wish you'd have learned what a cold turkey he is before you had children. You have hard decisions ahead. His words do not bode well for a real relationship do they? You might start by telling him that you feel you don't have a husband and the children don't have a father and very much need one. See if there is any sympathy there at all.
TWO MEALS? Why would you do that? You made supper and you and the kids have eaten. His is in the fridge and he can REHEAT it in the microwave. END of story. He don't like it, Oh Well, get home on time. Design engineer huh? Honey, I'd doing some snooping. Design engineer and he works this late. Sounds like he is working another field. Sorry honey. You sound like a loving, caring wife. But I think he is playing. Sorry, and I wish you the best.
ask zidane to headbutt you
You are NOT his slave but his wife and mother of HIS children...I certainly feel your anxiety. and you seem to have much more sense, than your hubby. I would give HIM an ultimatum, sounds to me like he gave you one...and then do it...Think of your children and their welfare, do they know who or what he is and how he is hurting even himself..Why does he feel $ is so important...when he has a family that needs him...sounds to me he's got things turned around and thinks he's married to his job...I wonder if they also feed HIM, do HIS laundry clean HIS home, , take care of HIS children and HIS wife AND love him?
Sorry to give you this one BUT, husband is in his income producing years. He is supporting a family of 4 on his own. Leave the guy alone and let him work. He is working his butt off.


What is he doing wrong?


As for the kids they will not be much to him until they are about 6 then he will be doing baseball, soccer, scouts whatever.


Suck it up and deal with it for a couple years.





You need to step back take a deep breath and count your blessings. Most women in this world no longer have the ability to stay home with the kids and have to work themselves. Take account of having to get up, take the kids to daycare, putting in your own 8 hours and having to go home and take care of the kids and house because he is still working long hours. You need to get some appreciation for your situation because many many women would be glad to trade places with you.





If you need some adult time go to the local library, YMCA or some other local group who have day care on site.





Get a life outside your house and quit whining.
How do you plan to afford food and medicine when he quits his job or leaves you?
I can help you I think. I have the same situation. But I have it in my second marriage (after having it also in my first), so I have the experience of knowing how to handle it and how NOT to handle it.


Firstly, requesting/demanding anything with an accusatory tone is the first step for your husband to resist change. The approach to any argument, ESPECIALLY this one is to begin with, ';you work so hard and I am very lucky......';


Always point out the good qualities and how much you appreciate the reasons your husband works so late. Then offer or ask, ';what can I do to help, make things better in this relationship?'; This is a good way to disarm him, and then put forth your very reasonable request.


What I have imposed on MY house is that he is to be here at least one weeknight for dinner and Sundays are strictly for family. It doesn't sound like much, but when you request such a small amount, you usually GET more back, which I do.


Don't bombard him with what you need and want, simply point out how much better it is for your kids and your marriage.


There is one simple summary which I used myself, ';For every hour you aren't here and are away from us, you aren't gaining that much from your job. But that hour could be VERY productive at home. What you would lose in work time would make NO difference in the long term effects of your job or our income, but it WOULD make a very big difference if spent at home with your family. If we lose $200 a week, then we will find somewhere to cut that from our budget.'; He wouldn't have to give up alot to GET alot out of it. Don't ask him to be home everynight. It's impossible. Be reasonable, be willing to make a trade and give something (even though you already give alot), be supportive of what he's trying to do, and this theoretically will get you a husband who is willing to give back. Also, ask for more notice of his schedule. There's no reason he should announce on his way out the door that it will be a 10:00 night. That's simply rude. Try to set up the week in advance. It will be easier to plan meals, it will encourage him to keep the committment he made, and it will avoid you being disappointed at the last minute. You can do this, and he can to. What you are asking is very reasonable and I can tell you (and you can tell him) absent spouses are the reasons for many breakups......NOT because you can find someone better but because if you don't nurture your relationship, it dies.
You need quality time...My wife says the same to me, so I can relate.. If he is faithful then let him provide...Go neanderthal for a minute...';Man the Hunter';....';Man the provider';...Please don't berate him for wanting a good life for his family and working hard to provide that life...Just Cherish the family time and advise him to do the same...He will be there when you need him !! Just watch !!





Good Luck Darling !
Learn to love and appreciate your husband. He is working very hard for his family. It hurts to realize that your family does not appreciate your hard work in providing for the family. All men would love to sleep on their women鈥檚 lap while they cut their feet nails all day long, but the harsh reality of life do not approve to this type of life. The health issue is a concern; does he provide finances for you and children to seek medical attention? If yes I am happy for him otherwise he is a lousy husband that he should go to hell and hang himself under the tomato tree. The weekend should solve your loneliness, talk to him. Talking to your husband does not mean speaking at 150 words per minute but a loving/soft romantic voice will do the magic鈥?good luck.
you two need to tlak things out. maybe he's too busy trying to provide for the family. that could be something you haven't think about. on the other hand if he can lend you a hand at home and not willing to do so then he might be a problem. anyway talk things over with him and see if you two can reach some understandings
Your husband, unfortunately, is missing on out his own children growing up. He will live to regret that he wastefully occupied his time with work. Someday, he will look into his children's eyes and realize how little he knows of his own flesh and blood and time is cruel -- none of that can ever be replaced. Secondly, if he isn't willing to try to see how all of his long work hours are destroying the exact thing that he says he is working for, than what kind of marriage do you have? While he might think it noble of him to make such sacrafices, he should take a closer look and realize that every life needs balance. Not just for the benefit of his children, or his marriage, but even for himself. He, too, will find himslef empty and alone, cut off emotionally from what he once knew as his family. He will be a stranger in his own home. You have a legitmate problem on your hands. Either he is going to have to start listening to how you feel, or you might just have to find another husband like he told you to do.





He is an adult, and it shouldn't take much more than a heart-to-heart talk with him to realize his marriage is in jeopordy, his children are fatherless and he MUST find a way to rearrange his priorities. I don't think this is something he needs to be ';coached'; into doing, or persuaded. He is a husband and a father, and a grown man and this is non-debateable subject. Just be strong and let him know how you feel. He has the option to make it better or to dismiss your feelings. He is well aware of the implications of both.
I had an argument with my wife a few days ago. We got married last year, and her complaint was that I do not spend enough time with her too. In situations such as yours, being honest and open with your partner is crucial. If there is no communication, it can lead to misunderstandings that can run the risk of ending a marriage. Tell him about your concerns. Leave the kids with relatives or a babysitter. Go out for dinner, and talk about it. There must be a compromise because thats what marriages are all about. There has to be some give and take.
This is a country song that I think will help put everything into order. If he is not touched by it, then he is callused and really needs more help then even you can give. Tell him at that point in time that he either goes with you 1 time to a marriage councoler or you are leaving. Tell him that you want to leave it up to someone else from there to make the decision that there is a problem in the marriage or not. And stick to your guns. If he still refuses to go, then leave and take his butt to court and get him for child support and alimony. The courts will see in your favor and then it will be too late for him, but he will realize that money is not more important than family. Good luck. I hope that all works out for you. Just buy the cd with this song on it.





The Dollar


Jamey Johnson





Daddy hugs his little man


says son I've got to go


and he pulls out of the drive and disappears


as they walk back in the house


the young boy asks his mama


where does daddy go when he leaves here





mama tells her little man


your daddy's got a job


and when he goes to work they pay him for his time


well the young boy gets to thinking


and he heads up to his bedroom


and comes running back with a quarter and four dimes





chorus:


and says mama how much time will this buy me


is it enough to take me fishing or throw a football in the street


if I'm a little short then how much more does daddy need


to spend some time with me





the young boy tells his mama


now I know daddy's busy


cause most times when he gets home it's dark outside


but tell him I've got me some pennies


saved up from the tooth fairy


and I keep em in my piggy bank and I believe there's thirty-five





chorus:


and mama how much time will that buy me


is it enough to take me camping in a tent down by the creek


if I'm a little short then how much more does daddy need


to spend some time with me





mama how much time will this buy me


is it enough for just an afternoon a day or a whole week


if I'm a little short then how much more does daddy need


to spend some time with me





mama takes her little man


sets him on her lap


and starts dialing up some numbers on the phone


she says daddy come home early


you don't have to chase that dollar


cause your little man has got one here at home
I think you should stop your complaining and thank God that he is a working man that makes enough for you to stay home and raise your kids. You make the best of what you have. You are crying about your health and the kids health and any mother knows that, when a kid have a bad cold the ear infection come. You're tired of fixing two meals, then leave and let an independent woman have him. He was right when he tells you to find a better man after working those long hours and come home to an attitude and no sex. Vacation will come up. and I'm sure if you spoke nicely every once and a while and tell him you and the kids miss him, how about taking one day out to spend with you all. Girl you best light some candles after the babies go to bed and wait for that man to come home and give it to him like you never have before and after it's all over kiss him and tell him THANK-YOU. When he say for what? You say for working so hard to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, a car to drive and allowing me to be home to raise the kids. If you think that's too much then, he can't be away that much, you made two babies. You better get it in gear before he get tired of coming home to a nagging wife and find someone else to wear a teddy, light a candle and etc...